The Canadian Adventure

Part 5 - 17th November 1996

HOME >> WRITING >> CANADIAN ADVENTURE

Links:

Wensleydale - the cheese saga continues...

Hiya folks, the next epic in the series commences.

Hmm, where to begin. Let’s try SNOW. Big dollops of it, dropping out of the sky all day today. We had about 4 inches by the time I woke up, which was something of a surprise. The temperature has been dropping steadily for a few days but this wasn't forecast, and seems to have caught everyone by surprise. I've mentioned before that Vancouver has quite a British feel to it in many ways, and in keeping with the British attitude to snow the city ground to a halt in a matter of about 40 minutes.

The Skytrain shorted out, the back-streets become slushy death-traps, and with an inescapable logic the drivers speed up so that they won't have to spend so long on the roads. The accident rate soars, everyone stops to look, you pretty much get the picture. On the plus side many of the roads out of town are out of bounds if you aren't carrying snow chains, so you don't get the Snake Pass syndrome, with people having to be rescued. On the other hand all the 4x4 drivers suddenly see an opportunity to justify their expensive purchases...

You'll all be eager to hear the latest instalment in the cheese saga. For those of you who are new to this it's nearly impossible to get decent strong cheese here. But the exciting news is that the supermarket Wensleydale, while not being very strong, does seem halfway like the stuff you find in the UK. I have a lump beside me now - when you find good cheese you don't want to let it out of your sight.

Then the realisation hit me that I might just be acclimatising to the local tastes - will I soon be totally satisfied by processed cheese-slice sandwiches? Will my dairy needs be satisfied by a jar of Cheez Whizz? We can only hope not, and in the meantime I'll redouble my efforts at chanting my morning cheese mantras...

Some more observations on Vancouver. Despite being unfailingly polite in most things Vancouverites seem to have trouble with the concept of door holding. You'll be following two steps behind someone on the way into a shop, or even coming up the stairs to work. Normally I'd expect the person in front to hold the door for the person behind, but it's almost an alien concept here. In close proximity to a door dropper you are faced with the choice of lunging-and-catching or receiving a crack to the forehead as the door swings back on you.

Continuing these studies I examined the effect of holding the door for other people. Rarely do you receive an acknowledgement of any kind, and if someone does notice you they appear to be in the throes of an internal conflict - should they offer you a tip or not? This could be due to a practice I've observed downtown - homeless people open the doors to public buildings (cash machine lobbies are a favourite) hoping for a handout. On the one hand this seems quite enterprising (I've had my car windows quite expertly cleaned in supermarket car parks by homeless people too). On the other, it also reflects the "nothing for free" attitude.

Every service you receive here seems to be on a pay-as-you-go basis, whereas in the UK it's more normal to pay up front for everything then (optionally) make use of the services as you need them. In some ways you must therefore get worse value for money in the UK, but here you do seem to be handing cash over more frequently.

"Nothing for free" is even more curious given the nature of shop advertising here. By junk mail, TV and radio you are continuously bombarded by adverts for ‘sales’. The rule is that you don't buy anything that isn't on sale, because in most cases you can virtually guarantee that it will be on special offer next week. The shops know when things are going to reduced too, so you can often ask when a particular item will be reduced, and they'll give you a date. You can then reserve it in advance and wait for the price to fall. And if you should buy something that goes on sale a few days later it’s not uncommon to go into the shop and have them refund the price difference.

The chain stores are particularly good at this. The Future Shop has a sale once a fortnight which is always preceded by the same earth shattering news "This weekend we'll be closed all Saturday morning, then at 1pm the doors will FLY open for EIGHT HOURS ONLY for our GREATEST SALE EVER!!!". The crowd is built up to a frenzy of excitement - but don't worry if you miss it - on Sunday evening the joyful news goes out: "Due to unprecendented demand we've extended the sale until WEDNESDAY!!!". And they do it every time! People aren't daft, and they know what's going on, but it seems to be a sort of game that the advertisers can't break out of. Add to that radio and TV commercials obviously designed to appeal to the most desperate portion of the human race, and it can wreck any TV show.

Happily my video has a handy feature that skips forward exactly one minute at the press of a button on the remote. Two presses zips it over all the adverts in a normal commercial break, without my having to look at the screen. Just as every TV program exactly fits into a 30 or 60 minute slot, every commercial exactly fits into a 30 or 60 second one.

Classic quotes on the radio on the way into work today: "We've got Chuck (or whoever) over here at Richmond Mall. It's amazing what he can do on his roller blades - you'd almost think they were attached to his feet!". This came shortly after: "Counting Crowes new album is at number six in the Vancouver charts this week - of ALL the records in the top ten they've made it number six - way to go boys". She must be the relief for someone stuck in the snow.

I learned this week that the most dangerous thing on the roads is a rich Oriental woman in a Lexus. On Wednesday I was forced off an an empty dual carriageway onto a grass verge when a car drove up on my inside and changed lanes without checking to see if they'd passed me. I couldn't believe it since they couldn't have failed to notice me there. The effect was even more startling since the car appeared to have no driver - when I eventually caught up again I found that the driver could barely see over the steering wheel, and her face was locked in a rictus of fear and bewilderment. When I looked around in Richmond she wasn't alone. Every other car is a $100,000 Lexus or Acura (Honda) driven by a tiny, terrified looking Oriental woman who would probably much rather be sitting in a Nissan Micra. She'd at least have a chance of being able to see out of it.

Muffin mix: On sale in bulk in every supermarket. But what do you to it to turn it into a muffin? Beats me. For the enlightenment of those who have not yet come across muffins Canadian-style, they are like a big bun, universally cooked in paper cases way too small so the muffin rises up and spreads out until it looks like a giant mushroom. They are then served upside down on a plate with the paper bit on the top, because they won't stand up. Along with a bottomless help-yourself-to-more cup of coffee - they are without doubt one of the greatest inventions known to mankind...

A note for the car lovers amongst you. There are many Japanese cars here which are variants of models that are sold in the UK - normally the saloon versions of hatchbacks. For example, the Nissan 200 I used to have was available here as a saloon (and a very sexy looking convertible), as was the last model Toyota Celica. The strangest one I've seen is the saloon version of one of the baby Suzuki 4x4s. Instead of having the tailgate, a whole chunk has been cut out and a small boot tagged on behind. It looks like someone has taken a tiny car and stretched it vertically. Very silly looking, and a further example if things that are nearly, but not quite, like things I know in the UK. I’ll add it to the list that includes Safeway, Blockbusters, all cinemas (quite different, still not quite sure how), MacDonalds (you actually can believe that they WANT you to have a nice day), cash machines (that ask you which account you want to withdraw money from AFTER you tell it how much you want), and off-licenses (most unpleasant - always smell of stale beer - I’m aching for an Oddbins).

Still on an automotive theme, in the UK you can often spot the sports variant of an average car by the fact that it has a spoiler and flashy plastic add-ons. Over here, and given that at the very most you are unlikely to exceed 60mph, even many genuine sports cars don't seem to have them. Many of the Nissan 200s don't, MR2s often don't, and I almost get the feeling that because of their smaller size, many cars that have a sporty image in the UK are sold here as second cars for doing the shopping in. The Mazda MX3 (here called the Precidia) is a good example of this; the basic 1600 model is the most popular, probably because the hatchback is convenient for loading at Safeway. Curiously, the North Americans don’t seem to be very enthusiastic about hatchbacks, much preferring saloons (here called ‘sedans’). Even the trusty station wagons seem to be falling into disfavour, as people-carriers (‘Vans’) and 4x4s (‘Sports Utilities’) rise in popularity.

I have spotted a few old English cars here, although with the exception of Jaguars they are pretty rare. - 2 Rover P3's, a Rover 800, a sprinkling of MG's and a Morris Marina. If this was taken as a representative sample of English automotive expertise it’s no wonder that English manufacturers are such a joke here.

The ski slopes are open at last. It looks like we may get our first excursion up into Cypress this Wednesday. A group of six of the English guys plus a bunch of the Australians have all booked Wednesday night passes for snowboard lessons. Buying the tickets at the end of summer seemed a bit premature, but you do get the best rates. When buying houses you get the best prices on the ones that haven't even been built yet, so I guess the principle is quite sound.

Expect me to be very bruised on Thursday morning. I'm considering wearing roller-blade wrist protecters underneath my ski gloves to make the inevitable falling over a bit less traumatic.

An all-over Kevlar suit might be an even better bet.

My all-over polyester thermal underwear seem to be working a treat. It's very figure hugging. Some of you may be quite excited by the thought of me in long johns. Maybe.

All of my stuff has now arrived from the UK. Not even a single glass broken. The house looks a bit more lived in now. Not to mention full. My computer modem doesn't seem to function here (although everything else on it does) so I may have to replace it before I can surf from home.

News from the Farnborough bunch is a bit sketchy - drop me a line and let me know how things are going chaps. Neil'n'Nick: how is Abigail? Ken: I've found the best video rental shop in town - specialising in classic movies. Jeremy: old-English car count to date - 2 Rover P3's, a sprinkling of MGB's and a Morris Marina. Jo: how is your elephant? AndyL: so has FATMI really been canned and has SPS been taken over by TCSF? I hear rumors from Hughes. Carol: Hug.